Today is a hard day. It is the anniversary of the day my brother took his own life. But that isn't all it's about. Today is the anniversary of so many things. I watched my parents try to deal with a loss that, as a parent myself, I pray to God I never have to experience. I watched the battle over the little baby girl my brother never got meet. The lives of my family were changed forever. We were ripped into a million little pieces with no idea of how to start putting them back together. Every year that passes by I am surprised at the fact that it never gets easier to accept. It always hurts. I have learned to cope. We all have. That is what we have to do, because no matter what tragedy befalls us, life goes on-- even when we can't see how it could.
I miss my brother. I am sad that I never got to know him as well as I wanted to. We were just beginning, you see. We didn't get along very well growing up, but as adults we were finally starting on a path to possible friendship. Not just sibling love but actual friendship. You can love your brother and still not like him very well. I would like to think we would have been great friends. Every year it is my biggest regret: that we didn't take those steps sooner.
As time goes by, however, I am able to see this day as something else, something positive. I will always wish things had not gone the way they did August 31, 2003. I will always miss my brother and swallow that hard lump when I hear his favorite songs on the radio. I know that my brother is somewhere beyond imagining where the concerns of this physical plain are inconsequential at most. I take comfort in that. I understand that the grief I feel is over the loss of him here, now. I believe that he is free and surrounded by love.
My wish for this day then, is that it serves as a reminder. Let it serve as an urging to take those steps my brother and I were unable to. APPRECIATE! Be Thankful! Because tomorrow, you might not be able to. If we live each day with the intent to say what needs to be said and do the things that truly matter, then when the time comes you won't be left saying, "I wish we had only..."
LOVE. Love like it matters because it does. It matters most.
And FORGIVE. Forgive, because true love is not possible otherwise.
Dedicated in memory to my big brother, Ryan. Until we meet again...
